Go Placidly? My Ass!
The other day I made the gross error of glancing briefly at the Desiderata, that ultimate in phony documents so worshipped by that sad bunch of greying folks formerly known as "hippies."
This thing is full of what I would call really bad advice.For one thing you are advised on about line three to listen to the dull and ignorant as "they too have their story."
Now, if you are on the same spiritual plane as the Dalai Lama (and I'm guessing you're not, and if you are, Well Hello Dalai!) then your time may be well spent speaking with the dull and ignorant as you may be able to glean something of value from their stories.
But if you are somewhat less evolved, and I would include myself in this category, then it is best to avoid these dullards like the Plague for they are just as dangerous as that mighty scourge and besides they are annoying and a tremendous waste of your time.
It goes on to suggest that you should keep interested in your own career "however humble". This is just terrible advice. If you have a really "humble" career the last thing you need to do is pay attention. What do these people think bars are for anyway?
Did you ever notice that a lot of people seem to make a bee-line for a drink as soon as they are released from their workplace? It is precisely because most careers are so mind-numbingly stupid that one must drug oneself just to survive. Do you really want to spend more time thinking about your job? I don't think so.
"Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass." Holy crap that's unsound advice!
If you don't want to get laid again until we all have rocket cars and those freakin' personal robots we were all promised, then by all means follow it. If you don't think you can hang on all that long with your sad dangling quiver of Cupid's arrows down to just the one, the Lonely Art of Self-Love, then remember: Honesty is almost never the best policy. And "be yourself"! Why would anyone want to do that! What the hell's so appealing about being you anyway?
The next little gem is to be gentle with yourself. This is the last thing most people need to do.We should maybe all try being a little harder on ourselves and maybe ease up on everybody else. Have you SEEN the Internet?
And by the way you are less of a child of the universe than the sun and the trees. The sun and the trees have perfectly good reasons for being here as they serve a purpose. You are mostly taking up space that could be used by an elm or a duck.
Finally the poem winds down with a little bit of sacchariney goodness about everything being okay and the universe unfolding as it should, and God is being basically a really nice guy blah, blah, blah, blah.
But the last two short lines are a bit of relatively useful advice that it would be a good idea to follow. "Be careful. Strive to be happy." It's a lead pipe cinch that it's not going to be easy.
The Hell with Stanford-Binet
(or the Offical PERSIFLAGE IQ Test):
We're constantly running into people who are telling us their IQs and yet seem to be acting like donkey's asses (that is the hindquarters of donkeys - donkeys and their kin frown on slavery) and this has led us to the conclusion that the usual IQ tests obviously leave something to be desired when it comes to measuring true intelligence. Therefore, we here at PERSIFLAGE, as a sort of public service (but mostly to prove how clever we are) have devised our own IQ test to truly measure, once and for all, what constitutes real intelligence. Get a pencil.
PART ONE:
Select the letter that most closely represents what you would consider the answer to the individual questions that are listed below in the order that they are listed. Once you have selected the letter then place it in the blank space provided near the number.
1) ____ Who is the leader of the club which was made for both you and me?
a) Max the Two Thousand Year Old Mouse
b) Dixie
c) Speedy Gonzales
d) some other rodent
2) ____ Why do clouds suddenly appear when you are proximate?
a) It's a coincidence.
b) What clouds?
c) I have an orgone ray device in my undershorts.
d) Mickey Mouse
3) ____ How is it possible for cold November rain to last forever when November itself doesn't last forever?
a) It's done with mirrors.
b) What's it to you, buddy?
c) Water, in the form of rain, is heavier than a calendar page and consequently runs downhill where the rules of time and space, while they still apply, are not strictly enforced.
d) It's a trick question. Nothing lasts forever not even cold November rain.
PART TWO:Match the hat size with the famous historical figure.
Draw an imaginary line between the famous person and their hat size. You MAY use an imaginary finger to do it if you choose.
Ivan Turgenev 6 3/4
Elizabeth I 7 1/8
Charlotte Bronte 7
Erland van Lidth de Jeude really big
Gaius Julius Caesar fairly small
Han Shan crown-sized
Joachim "von" Ribbentrop laurel-wreathish
Hammurabi Hat! Never!
Theodora Wednesday
PART THREE: Fill in the blanks
In this part of the exam you will fill in the blank spaces in each sentence. Not with one colour, or indeed, railroad ties (as worn by Via Rail staff) but with the word or words that best exemplify the kind of thing best exemplified. There are no right answers but there are answers that are quite a bit less wrong than any others. Best to choose those really.
1) My mother used to bake bread using ______ when the oven was broken.
2) My father's best friend was a hamster named Torvald but he (the hamster) preferred to be called ________.
3) All the peanuts in the world _____ the sandbox.
4) Nobody ever really ______ my left buttock cheek.
5) Oven mitts, oven mitts, _______, oven mitts and so forth.
6) _______, she screeched, "Where are the muffin tins?" ________ I replied. (Two points, three if you can actually lay your hands on the muffin tins).
Next week, if we are feeling particularly generous we will provide an answer key for marking this test. Then you'll really know how smart you are.
Classifieds
For sale: one giant cardboard box. Large enought to contain all the sorrows of the world. Significant water damage to bottom. Fine if you don't try to lift it. $70 OBO. Box 4003.
Wanted: largish plastic bag suitable for carrying my zither in when it rains. Must have humorous store logo. Top dollar paid. Box 29.
LOST: one Golden Retriever. Answers to the name Charles the Almighty and Powerfully Omnipotent Ruler of the Dog Universe. Or Chuckles. When last seen he was wearing a red and white bandana around his neck and a fairly garish smoking jacket with his family's crest emblazoned on the upper right hand (or paw) pocket. Actually the bandana is more like an ascot. Sometimes friendly and sometimes not. Approach with some caution but don't be a jerk about it. No reward.
Anyone who witnessed a small accident in my pants last Thursday, please keep it to yourself.
Click on the empty chair to visit Uncle Glennie's Storytime
