THE EARLY SPRING EDITION
You've been making the wrong mistakes.
WANTED IMMEDIATELY: Qualified person to assess my sweater choice for a meeting with my girlfriend's parents. Must be fully acquainted with clothing norms of middle class culture and be gentle in the delivery of biting criticism. Reply to Box 11 for contact details ASAP. Honorarium provided but no travel expenses.
Slightly used piano with 87 keys. Mildly frustrating to play sometimes. $4500 OBO. Box 251.
Acreage for sale inside a larger acreage which is located on top of yet another acreage. Box 1187 for details.
The Passion of Pamela
The Man Who Loved Cunnilingus
Once upon a time there was a man who loved cunnilingus.
He loved everything about it and he was always very eager to exhibit his prowess. Sadly though, he had none. Despite his love for this specific sexual practice he had absolutely no aptitude for it.
Whenever he would begin his oral ministrations his lover de jour would usually be quite excited in anticipation of a marvelous time. After all, the man was quite vocal about his love of the art and so his partners inevitably expected that he would have some high level of skill. But he did not.
After a minute or two, or longer if she happened to be a very patient sort, the receiver of his efforts would begin to suspect that she had been the victim of a practical joke.
Some women even thought the man was having some sort of episode or that he might be in a state of actual medical distress. Yes, it was that bad.
At some point the woman would call a stop to the proceedings. Usually they were quite polite about the whole thing. Mostly they just wanted it to end as soon as possible. The man assumed he had satisfied those women thoroughly.
But some women were more outspoken and critical of his "technique". These women, he assumed, were so repressed that they could not relax and enjoy his skills.
Consequently he went to his grave loving cunnilingus and thinking himself a friend to women everywhere.
Click on the image below to hear a snippet from the sequel to the Mystery of the Lost Lenore
The Piano Thief
Once upon a time there was a guy who stole pianos. The odd thing was that he never fenced them. He kept them. This would not be that odd if he had played the piano but he did not.
His ongoing thievery of these not small instruments presented him with a bit of a storage problem. The fact that he lived on a houseboat meant that he could not keep very many of them in his home. He needed another solution.
One morning during a stroll along the beach he stumbled across a cave. The entrance was somewhat hidden from sight and so he decided that this would be the ideal place to stash his pianos.
Sadly, despite living more that half of his life either on the water or by it, the piano thief had little or no understanding of tides. Consequently when the tide came in most of the pianos were either destroyed or washed away forever.
If you are looking for something positive to take away from this story there is this: The shock of the experience stopped him from ever stealing another piano. He switched to cash.