PERSIFLAGE

Humour with all the freshness of an airline cookie    

THE EARLY SPRING EDITION

    You've been making the wrong mistakes.
                                                    - Thelonious Monk


CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

EMPLOYMENT

WANTED IMMEDIATELY: Qualified person to assess my sweater choice for a meeting with my girlfriend's parents. Must be fully acquainted with clothing norms of middle class culture and be gentle in the delivery of biting criticism. Reply to Box 11 for contact details ASAP. Honorarium provided but no travel expenses.

Interested in plants? Like tipping containers of water? We are currently seeking greenhouse workers to tend a single plant with a somewhat ludicrous need for constant watering. Minimum wage. Box 30.

French fry manufacturer seeks fully bilingual workers to man its potato (pommes de terre) slicers. Great pay and mediocre benefits. Contact Larry Capuchin-Manquee at Les Frites Internationale.

FOR SALE

Slightly used piano with 87 keys. Mildly frustrating to play sometimes. $4500 OBO. Box 251.

Candlesticks! Candlesticks! Candlesticks! Now that I have your attention... I have several small cardboard mice for sale. Will "work" with any computer MAC or PC. $7 ea. Box 21.

We are the leading manufacturer and sales outlet for tape measures in Western Canada. If you ever wanted to know how long a piece of tape was you have probably used one of our products. We are TPMetronCanada Check out our website!.

For sale: one very slightly used facial tissue. Merely used to remove a mote of dust from my otherwise immaculately clean coffee table. Stored in a hermetically sealed bag. $2 OBO. Box 19.

HOUSING

Acreage for sale inside a larger acreage which is located on top of yet another acreage. Box 1187 for details.

For rent: glorious 3 bedroom suite in the basement of a tiny house near Wolseley. Lord Wolseley that is not the Winnipeg neighbourhood. $707/month. Box 3.

Studio apartments for rent. MUST be an artist! MUST live onsite! MUST wear a beret and smoke dope! MUST wear a turtleneck and attend poetry slams at least once a month. $3.75/ square foot. Box 5678.


Archives


Links


The Passion of Pamela
a twovel


Did you enjoy what you read here? Want to read more? Check out our publications:
Persiflage Press


Address all mail to:
persiflagemag@hotmail.com

The Man Who Loved Cunnilingus

Once upon a time there was a man who loved cunnilingus.

He loved everything about it and he was always very eager to exhibit his prowess. Sadly though, he had none. Despite his love for this specific sexual practice he had absolutely no aptitude for it.

Whenever he would begin his oral ministrations his lover de jour would usually be quite excited in anticipation of a marvelous time. After all, the man was quite vocal about his love of the art and so his partners inevitably expected that he would have some high level of skill. But he did not.

After a minute or two, or longer if she happened to be a very patient sort, the receiver of his efforts would begin to suspect that she had been the victim of a practical joke.

Some women even thought the man was having some sort of episode or that he might be in a state of actual medical distress. Yes, it was that bad.

At some point the woman would call a stop to the proceedings. Usually they were quite polite about the whole thing. Mostly they just wanted it to end as soon as possible. The man assumed he had satisfied those women thoroughly.

But some women were more outspoken and critical of his "technique". These women, he assumed, were so repressed that they could not relax and enjoy his skills.

Consequently he went to his grave loving cunnilingus and thinking himself a friend to women everywhere.

Sally Kind

Click on the image below to hear a snippet from the sequel to the Mystery of the Lost Lenore

The Piano Thief

Once upon a time there was a guy who stole pianos. The odd thing was that he never fenced them. He kept them. This would not be that odd if he had played the piano but he did not.

His ongoing thievery of these not small instruments presented him with a bit of a storage problem. The fact that he lived on a houseboat meant that he could not keep very many of them in his home. He needed another solution.

One morning during a stroll along the beach he stumbled across a cave. The entrance was somewhat hidden from sight and so he decided that this would be the ideal place to stash his pianos.

Sadly, despite living more that half of his life either on the water or by it, the piano thief had little or no understanding of tides. Consequently when the tide came in most of the pianos were either destroyed or washed away forever.

If you are looking for something positive to take away from this story there is this:
The shock of the experience stopped him from ever stealing another piano. He switched to cash.

Elrose Watermuldar