August 26th, 2010
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
Classifieds
For sale: one crisp dollar bill left over from the days when we had dollar bills. $1 OBO. Box 1.
For rent: The Santa Maria, Columbus's least favorite vessel. Ideal for excursions to the Caribbean or possibly India. Inquire about rates. Box 1492 (get it?).
Oliver North memorabilia! We have a marvelous collection of Oliver North related stuff including: the Bible he sworn on (or is that at?), his marksmanship badges (Boy Scout and USMC) and an autographed picture of Ayatollah Khomeini with XOXO on it (very rare). Send inquiry for prices. Box 112.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Seventy
Click on the picture. (3:35)
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Interesting Real Life Stories From Readers
You might be surprised to learn (or you might not - how the hell would I know?) that a lot of people send us story ideas.
A lot more people send us letters and emails describing things that happened to them and that they think should be immortalised on this website. Go figure.
We are not all that committed to the democratic enterprise here as we have been out and about and ridden the bus but since we are after all fairly lazy we thought we would take this opportunity to shirk work (it rhymes!) and run a bunch of this... stuff. Enjoy!
I work for a mailbox company making mailboxes. A lot of us buy lottery tickets because we hate working there. Once a guy I worked with won a million dollars. We beat him to death. Don't tell anybody.
C.D., Ajax, Ontario
I am a ghostly apparition that likes to haunt people who like those dark chocolate Mars bars. One time I was haunting this guy and he was so rattled he dropped his candy in the toilet. He stood there for a bit and you could just tell he was thinking about fishing it out. But he didn't.
B.B., Halifax, Nova Scotia
My wife and I were travelling between our bedroom and the kitchen when we suddenly blew a tire. My wife was driving and she managed to get us over to the side of the hallway by the nightlight but we were narrowly missed by a brown bear on a unicycle who had been tailgating and couldn't get stopped. Next time we fly!
G.P., Yorkton, Saskatchewan
Recently my grandparents both had the lint removed from their belly buttons. Eager to show off their new lint free looks they decided to visit a nudist colony. Sadly the one they chose was in Roanoke, North Carolina and everyone there was dead.
V.K., Grand Prairie, Alberta
My two year old son loves crayons. He owns a small newspaper (2cm X 3.5cm) that runs nothing but crayon stories. Just recently he had a crayon tattooed on his manservant!
P.P., Campbell River, British Columbia
Even More Interesting Real Life Stories From Readers*
Winters my stoat and I spend in the Florida Keys but last year due to a mix-up with her passport we couldn't go. We ended up going to Charlottetown instead. Did you know it was on an island?
A.C., Moncton, New Brunswick
My grandfather was over seven feet tall (when he stood on a chair) and people often commented on his height. One time he got so angry that he got down off his chair and punched the guy right in the shin. We had him committed that day. We still laugh about it.
G.F., Val D'Or, Quebec
Everyone knows that the days are long in the north but one Wednesday we had one that was 26 1/2 hours. Surprisingly I still didn't get my vacuuming done!
I.I., Iqaluit, Nunavut
I have a large imaginary family that lives in a tea kettle under my bathroom sink. They are always singing sea shanties and shouting out rude sayings at me whenever I floss my teeth. I thought about stopping but I have a history of gingivitis (written by a French dentist) and my reading of it suggests that might be a bad idea. I have decided to pretend they don't exist.
M.C., Calgary, Alberta
Every Halloween since 1864 I have decorated my house so that it looks like an ordinary intersection and then I stop all the traffic by making one of the lights stay red (before traffic lights I had a man hold up a sign). It's great fun!
N.O., Winnipeg, Manitoba
My husband is the greatest knock knock joke teller in the world, or at least we all think so. Last year he told three hundred and sixty-five and a quarter knock knock jokes. Actually it was one knock knock joke but he told it three hundred and sixty-five and a quarter times.
K.P., Thunder Bay, Ontario
* more stories not more interesting