August 30, 2007
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer
I am not so dumb as to spoil the thrill of the blessings of modern culture by allowing myself to get too accustomed to them.
- Peter Altenberg
PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.
Classifieds
All this week at the Manitoba Legislative Assembly I, Harry the Anarchist Guy, will be attempting to overthrow the state. Come out and show your support. Free balloons for the kids!
For Sale: one soiled copy of the Classic Comic story of Paul Bunion, inventor of the painful foot sore. $4 OBO Box 76J.
Tired of being called a sore winner? Can't restrain the urge to gloat? Joints aching from endless victory dances? We can help. We're the Association of Bad Behavior Amelioraters (ABBA). Within weeks we can have down to smug smile and insincere compliment. We'll make you seem nicer than you are! See our ad in the Yellow Pages.
Tips for Summer Living:
Tip #11: Getting depressed as summer winds down? Wring every last bit of enjoyment out of the sunny season. Wear your bathing suit on the bus! Have a barbeque in the office! Refuse to buy school supplies!
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A Frank and Ernest Dialogue
This dialogue was originally performed (very poorly by G*** J****** [name removed by request] despite explicit direction from the two authors) at aceart gallery's performathon in 2003. Many people have, in the intervening four years, expressed dismay that they were too drunk to remember it and so, as a sort of public service, we present the dialogue in full here.
Ernest: Hey Frank
Frank: Yes Ernest
E: What is the thing in the world that you would most like?
F: What do you mean?
E: I mean if you could have anything in the world what would it be?
F: Anything?
E: Anything.
F: Well, I would like to be submerged up to my neck in a large vat of jello while my cat warbles the Queen of the Night's aria from the Magic Flute.
E: I thought Mr. Twinkles was a mezzo not a coloratura.
F: You said anything.
E: I think there is a very good chance that you may be insane.
F: Really?
E: Well, I've just been reading this article about how you can tell just how crazy a person is by what their deepest desires are and I have to tell you that you're off the map with that jello business.
F:That seems a tad judgemental don't you think?
E: Oh no it's all very scientifc. This guy came up with this scale and everything.
F: A scale.
E: Yeah, it's all based on references.
F: References?
E: Yeah, the things you refer to indicate how crazy you are, like if you refer to a cat in your desire that's worth so many points.
F: How many?
E: I don't remember but it's a lot.
F: How come?
E: Because wanting things from cats is crazy!
F: How come?
E: It just is. And jello. Jello is really crazy. Pudding's worse but jello is really up there it's like a hundred points.
F: Really?
E: Really.
F: What about Mozart?
E: Mozart?
F: Yeah, the composer.
E: I know who Mozart is!
F: How many points is he worth?
E: I don't know!
F: What about Beethoven? Or Shostakovich?
E: I don't know!
F: Well, I was just wondering if, say, I wanted Mr. Twinkles to do something from Bizet's Carmen or maybe a little Mahler – Das Lied von Der Erde or something would that make me more or less crazy?
E: None of that was in the article.
F: So it wasn't really what you'd want to call comprehensive.
E: No.
F: Too bad.
E: Yes.
F: You're pretty sure I'm crazy though.
E: Oh yeah.
F: You won't say anything to anybody though will you.
E: Oh no. You know me I'm the sole of discretion.
Elrose Watermuldar and Hugh Briss
Hard to believe it took two people to write that isn't?
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