PERSIFLAGE

August 9, 2007

Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
               - Fran Lebowitz

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

For sale: trick pencils; whenever you try to write the word "butterscotch" they write the word "vanilla". Great for parties! $4 per dozen. Box 2H.
For sale: lyric sheets for the popular ditty: "My Mother and Your Mother Were Hanging Out Clothes". $1. Box 334.

Tips for Summer Living:

Tip #8:  The sun is much, much hotter during the summer months. Don't touch it.

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Turned On By the Radio

Dillard Pernhop, or DJ Pickle as he was known to his fans, was Western Canada's greatest radio DJ. A few years ago at a not very interesting house party he had been fiddling with the dial on the hi-fi when he "stumbled" across a series of great tunes that everyone dug. It was inevitable that he would turn this gift into a high-paying career.

Soon Dillard was playing in clubs (well actually it was a church basement) and had his very own show on the university radio station. Not only that but he was now recieving far more attention from the "ladies". Dillard had never had much luck with girls. He had always been a little awkward socially and, to be honest, a tad funny looking but now that he was a semi-renowned minor local celebrity he found that women (some women) seemed to find him, if not fascinating, at least mildly diverting. This level of success was way beyond his wildest dreams. Sometimes he had two dates in a month!

One night coming home late (it was after 11) after a particularly successful  rave  Dillard, feeling the effects of all the iced tea he had consumed, stopped to empty his bladder into a hedge. He carefully placed his protable radio on the sidewalk beside him while he tended to his business. Unfortunately for the erstwhile DJ he did not notice that he had been shadowed for some blocks by a malevolent Golden Retriever who went by the name of Shep. When Dillard put down his  boombox  Shep saw his chance, bounding forward he seized the carrying handle of the  ghetto blaster  in his hairy jaws and hightailed it (literally) into the park. DJ Pickle stuffed his back into his cargo pants and took off in hot pursuit. Unfortunately his bladder was not quite empty and continued to drain as Dillard loped after the much speedier Shep. It soon became obvious to the sodden secondhand songster that his radio was gone forever.

Dillard Pernhop ceased his chase after the Retriever and his radio. He stood alone in the middle of the darkened park. Soon his cheeks were as wet as his pants as he realised that his days of popularity were over.

C.F. Maynard

Altered Lyrics

Doe, a name, a generic name used for unidentified corpses
Ray, a name of a super annoying 70s comedian whose only schtick was his name
Me, a name I would call myself if I could ever get through. For some reason the line is always busy.
Far, it's really best to drive
So, the perfect smart-alecky response to anything you don't like
La, a large city in California
T, an intersection that many people find confusing but that if navigated correctly
Will bring us back to Do
Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do.

Anonymous

Once again we seem to have extra space this week. We should really think about renting out these little spaces. Make some extra money. You know for coffees and whatnot.