February 10th, 2011
There's always something on.
John Ashbery
Classifieds
Garman Fardweeble is running for office and he needs your support. His office is located in downtown Toronto and he is currently in Moosomin. If you have some good running shoes (size 10 1/2) that he could borrow he would really appreciate it. Box 2.
For sale: rare recording of Dick Clark singing Jeepers Creepers to a wombat. On CD. $4 OBO. Box 98.
Why waste money on airline tickets? I have a plane and I will fly you anywhere in Canada that you want to go for free. Gratis. Nothing. All I ask is that you not make fun of my little hat. I'm Larry the Flying Guy with the Funny Hat. Box 10876.
For rent: community Halls. Only slightly sucked by with a bit of an itchy throat. 6¢/min. Box 30.
Business Opportunity: Have you always wanted to own your own business? If so then now is your chance. There is a golden opportunity to open a business right now in your neighbourhood or possibly some other neighbourhood that you know about. It could be very lucrative. That is if you do a good job and are lucky.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Ninety-Two
Click on the picture. (2:02)
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The Semi-Regular PERSIFLAGE Quiz
The Folly of Western Civilisation
PART ONE: (This part is worth whatever the hell I decide it's worth)
Select the letter that most closely represents what you, yourself (without outside consultation) would consider the correct answer to the individual questions that are listed below in the order that they are listed. Once you have selected the letter then place it gently in the blank space provided near the number, you know, where the little line is.
1) ____ Fustel de Coulanges was upset about his first name (which was Numa). What did he do about it?
a) Made fists in his pocket
b) Sat and silently stewed
c) Became an incredibly poor tipper
d) came up with a hare-brained scheme to explain the growth of cities in the Ancient Near East
2) ____ A ziggurat is a...
a) Snappin' nice construction.
b) cross between a zebra and an eland.
c) when a team chooses to run the ball in rather than kicking a conversion for the extra point.
d) something a German would smoke.
3) ____ How is it possible for cold November rain to last forever when November itself doesn't last forever?
a) It's done with mirrors.
b) What's it to you, buddy?
c) Water, in the form of rain, is heavier than a calendar page and consequently runs downhill where the rules of time and space, while they still apply, are not strictly enforced.
d) It's a trick question. Nothing lasts forever not even cold November rain.
PART TWO: (12 marks - I have no idea what that would be in euros)
Match the thing with the guy or gal by drawing (neatly) a line connecting them (Probably not a good idea to draw on your actual computer screen. Maybe just drag your fingertip across).
Gudea of Lagash heavy drinking
Elizabeth I Academy Award
Wilhelm Reich rain/bad hair
Erland van Lidth de Jeude Stir Crazy
Avril Lavigne the Governor General
unnamed Sumerian farmer a nice temple
PART THREE: Fill in the blanks (worth close to 80 marks)
In this part of the exam you will fill in the blank spaces in each sentence. Not with one colour, or indeed, delicious snack treats but with the word or words that best exemplify the kind of thing best exemplified. There are no right answers but there are answers that are quite a bit less wrong than any others. Best to choose those really.
(11) Tiglath-Pileser III was not mentioned today but as he is long since dead his _____ is not broken.
(12) The cellphone was invented because Martin Cooper was very _________________.
PART FOUR: Short essay (write on a sheet of paper of your own choosing)
Describe in your own words (or someone else's if you think you can get away with it) why the early Mesopotamians thought dogs were so useful. Incorporate elements of modern dance and the science of phrenology in your answer. If you think cats would have been a better choice please keep it to yourself.
Did you have trouble completing the above quiz? Well, no need to be embarassed. But why not read more about Western Civilisation? Here are some things you might consider persuing so you look like less of an ass.
"Western Civilisation: What Went Wrong"; "Ziggurats For Fun and Profit"; "Marty Martimer's Guide to the Ancient Sumerians Volume One: Their Weird Hair and Funny Clothing, Volume Two: Their Stupid Laws and Dumb Buildings"; "November Rain: the Untold Story"; "My Story by Gudea of Lagash"