PERSIFLAGE

February 22nd, 2007

Don't speak to me, my serotonin levels have hit bottom, my brain is awash in gluco- corticoids, my blood vessels are full of adrenaline, and if it weren't for my endogenous opiates I'd have driven the car in a tree on the way home. My dopamine levels need lifting. Pour me a Chardonnay.
--------------Patricia Churchland

Tips for Winter Living:

Tip #19:

Tired of a runny nose every time you come back inside? Clear tape over each nostril will unobtrusively keep fluids at bay until bedtime!

Classifieds

For Sale: from my own personal collection of famous butters: 1/2tbs. that was spread on the toast of Edward VIII on the day he first decided that he thought Wallace Simpson was "kinda cute". $11.14; 1/4 cup that was supposed to go into a cake celebrating the return of Martin Guerre. $4.00; one pat (still with paper) that Montgomery Clift contemplated using on his pancakes one morning while filming A Place in the Sun before deciding he "didn't really feel like butter" $17.56. Box 34.

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(Ian's page that is, not Ian himself who is not all that new.)

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Jubilate Agnew

For I will consider my Vice-President Spiro.
For he is the servant of me duly and daily serving me.
For first he looks upon his hands to see if they are clean.
For secondly he kicks up behind to clear away there.
For thirdly he works it upon stretch with the arms extended and hand out.
For fourthly he sharpens his wit with Safire.
For fifthly he slicks back his hair.
For Sixthly he straightens his tie.
For Seventhly he fleas himself, that he may not be interrupted upon the beat.
For Eighthly he rubs himself against Pat Buchanan.
For Ninthly he looks up for his instructions.
For Tenthly he goes in quest of contributions.
For having consider'd me and himself he will consider his neighbour.
For if he meets another Republican he will smile and shake his hand in kindness.
For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it chance.
For one nattering nabob in seven escapes by his dallying.
For when his day's work is done his business more properly begins.
For he keeps watch in the night against the impudent snobs.
For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring eyes.
For he counteracts the effete intellectuals, who are death, by brisking about the life.
For he loves Mars and Mars loves him.
For he is of the tribe of Tiger.
For the pusillanimous pussyfoot is a term of the Angel Tiger.
For he has the subtlety and hissing of a serpent, which he doesn't suppress.
For he will not do destruction, if he is well-fed, neither will he spit without provocation.
For he purrs in thankfulness, when I tell him he's a good Cat.
For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.
For the White House is incompleat without him and a blessing is lacking in the spirit.
For every family has one cat at least in the bag.
For the dexterity of his defence is an instance of the love of me to him exceedingly.
For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature (less than six years).
For he is tenacious of his point.
For he is a mixture of gravity and waggery.
For he knows that I am his saviour.
For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion.
For he is of the party's poor and so indeed he calls for benevolence perpetually
-- Poor Spiro! poor Spiro! the Wolff has bit thy throat.

Advice For the Adviceless

Dear Persiflage,

Since you guys seem to know so much about everything maybe you can tell me what to do.
Recently my penis has started to lean left. I barely noticed it at first but now it is quite pronounced.
It started with an admiration for Jack Layton but now it really seems to be into Marx (Karl). The other day I circled an A on a piece of paper and I noticed some movement down there.
I am worried. What should I do?

Signed,
GWPLL

Dear Guy Whose Penis Leans Left,

What you have noticed is nothing abnormal. It's actually quite common for a young penis to toy with the idea of socialism. You should not be overly concerned. However, you should be prepared for the fact that, as you age, your member may experience a sudden shift to the right. This explains the popularity of Leni Riefenstahl films with men in their forties. It's all part of the wonder of being alive, enjoy the ride!

Signed,
Persiflage

As part of our never-ending quest to be of use Persiflage has begun, or is beginning or begins to post short updates about what is happening on the TV. Here's this week's.

The New Adventures of Gus Bromack, Forensic Janitor

Episode 1: Quo lavis?

In the pilot episode Gus Bromack, janitor extraordinaire, loses the use of his arms in a terrible incident involving a backed up toilet and an out of control plumber's snake.
Fortunately for him, shortly after his accident Gus meets a hyper-intelligent escaped circus chimp named Mr Bonzo.
"You will be my arms!" Gus cries out in a moment of inspiration and Mr. Bonzo, having nothing better to do agrees.
Together they set out to solve crimes and leave everything shiny and fresh smelling.