Does this thong make me look fat?

Guess what tubby? Bathing suit season is rapidly approaching and if you want to wow them frolicking through the surf this "ete" then you're going to have to shed twenty or so of those pounds you packed on this winter shovelling chips and cookies into your yap whilst in a state of couch-bound semi-torpor. Well, not to fear, even though the tone of this little piece so far has been a tad rude and dismissive, you know in your heart of hearts that PERSIFLAGE has, and always will have, your best interests in mind. We care if you a bloated pig or not. Betcha can't say that about any of the rest of your shiftless no-goodnik pals can you? [We like to think of ourselves as your only real true shiftless nogoodnik pal.]

With all this in mind PERSIFLAGE has, once again, decided to save your bacon by reprinting our celebrated Diet and Exercise Plan. It will help you on your way to squeezing your sizeable assets into that two sizes too small bathing suit and alarming the kiddies at the beach this summer. Good Luck!

Some kind of empty space

DIET:

Our inspiration here springs from two sources, a noted French author and the British Navy.
Louis Ferdinand Destouches, better known as Celine, was raised as the son of poor Parisian lace makers. Lace, as we all know, is notorious for its tendency to pick up smells (which is why it is never used for gym clothing) and so lace makers tend to eat nothing but noodles which, when unadorned by sauce, are odorless and, coincidently, very low in calories. Therefore we recommend that for a period of ninety days you eat nothing but noodles (yum!).
Now a lot of you, I know, would be worried about scurvy if you were just eating noodles so here is where the second part of our inspiration comes in. British sailors on long sea voyages were worried about exactly the same thing. How did they solve this problem? Why by eating limes and drinking lime juice!
Our diet therefore looks something like this:

Daily Intake: Fourteen servings of boiled noodles (any style but no sauce) and one hundred and eleven glasses of lime juice (or thirty-seven limes). This contains all the nutritional needs necessary for a healthy adult according to our resident dietician (actually some guy Watermuldar met in a bar).

another, different kind of empty space

EXERCISE:

A lot of people are under the impression that special exercises or exercise equipment are necessary for creating the kind of firm and toned body regularly seen on afternoon soaps or pretty much any show on StarTV but this is not the case. The only thing necessary is to burn calories. This can be done with prancing.
Prancing is the most underrated form of exercise known to man. While an average person burns 800 calories in an hour of cross-country skiing or running (swiftly), anybody can burn upwards of 1500 calories prancing if they do it correctly.
The key is unrestrained upper body movement. Flailing and waving the arms wildly while gyrating and leaping around your own (or any other well-disposed person’s) home can burn untold calories. It has the added advantage of being beautiful to watch.
Our program calls for three hours of full-out prancing every day. This can be split into two ninety-minute sessions for convenience.

We are confident that by following our plan by the time summer rolls around you will look great in that new bathing suit! You might even want to consider shortening those sleeves.