January 14th, 2010
I regret having spent money on this chest of drawers.
Vincent van Gogh
Loneliness is hard on the wrist.
Elrose Watermuldar
Classifieds
For sale: full scale replica eye of Newt Gingrich. Ideal for making replica potions. $4 ea. or 12 for $30. Box 12.
For rent: potato skins. Are you a naked potato with nothing to wear for that big dinner or social occasion? Why not check out our selection of skins? From casual to dressy - nightly and weekend rates. Box 14.
Fez blocker. Fez impeding your progress? I will keep it at bay while you go around. I'm Randy the Fez Blocker. Box 9919.
Tired of hunting for your lost bookmarks? Our new book- mark comes with a built in GPS. If you lose it you can log on to your account at mynotsolostbookmark.com and you will be immediately directed to it. Reasonably priced bookmarks in a variety of sizes and colours are available. Visit our website today!
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Thirty-nine
Click on the picture. (3:59)
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persiflagemag@hotmail.com
The Newest and Most Improved Zodiac
We, here at PERSIFLAGE, believe that no one should be compelled to make their sad and solitary way through life without some kind of defence against the malevolent forces of the universe constantly arrayed against them.
In order to give our loyal audience a leg up we are pleased to present, for the third time, a horoscope in order to give some succour to you... people.
We hope that you will, for once in your life, take our advice seriously and use it to make your life better this week. Next week you are back on your own. HB
The Glowing Penguin
(January 1st - 19th)
You are tall with incredibly strong wrists and a propensity for opening jars that others not only can't open but don't even want opened.
This week is a good one for crouching behind things and then suddenly springing out. Also for romance. Do NOT combine these two things.
Newton
(January 19th - March 3rd)
Named after Sir Isaac, individuals born under this sign are renowned for their gravity. I don't mean their seriousness. I mean they have a tendency to fall when pushed.
Monday would be a good day for a bath or starting a business. Mid-week (Wednesday or Thursday noonish) try getting a college degree (if you don't already have one). Avoid anyone named Ralph or possibly Rolf.
Spectaculanium
(March 4th - March 16th)
This oddly named sign represents people who are good with the number 7, button-hooks, shepherd's crooks and running distances over 600 metres but under 800.
This week will be a difficult one for you as others do not understand the language that you made up and refuse to learn it. Don't worry, next week won't be that much worse.
Three Quarters (Seventy-Five Cents)
(March 17th - May 2nd)
3/4s tend to be agile and sweet-smelling. Their ebullience is matched only by their perspicacity.
Beware of business enterprises that involve a stoat in any position of authority. Do not eat ANY watermelon or watermelon flavoured foods (including gum) this week. Stay on the left hand side of rooms but keep anything pointy in your right hand pocket. It is a good week for whistling or throwing out pens.
Butternut Squash
(May 3rd - May 19th)
Sometimes referred to as the "Queen of the Zodiac" people born under this sign tend to be good with other people's hands. They are tolerant of lactose but are mildly irritated by fructose and support hose.
This is a good week for travelling. If you are a sailor perhaps this is the week you retrace the steps of Magellan (That's Andy Magellan who used to walk around the main floor of the Bay Downtown).
Ta Da!
(May 20th - June 30th)
These folks love to draw attention to themselves often by starting fires or not wearing pants. They make excellent snowshoe repairmen or women. I should have said the make excellent snowshoe repairmen and they make excellent women.
Tuesday would be a good day to prepare for Wednesday. Thursday recover. Friday try hitting a pinata with your car (if you own one).
Covalent Bond
(July 1st - July 2nd)
CBs tend to love electrons but they are always willing to share. Which is nice. They are generous, empathetic and deeply spiritual but they tend to fly into a psychotic rage at the drop of a hat.
A good week for housework! Banish dust bunnies this week and you will feel better about yourself! Also try cheating someone on a business deal to increase your sense of self-worth and slyness.
The Vague Sense of Unease
(July 3rd - August 22nd)
Despite their name Vaguies tend to be relaxed and easy-going. They are fine in small groups and even alone but in larger groups they have a tendency to throw things and make animal noises. They love the number seven but are only so-so about eights.
Monday may be a good day for walking or even sauntering but do not amble or stroll. Tuesday trotting is on order and Wednesday it is safe to break into a run. Thursday flat out sprinting is called for. On the weekend try to hold your breath for a really long time whilst hopping on alternating feet (your own).
Hartford Whaler
(August 23rd - September 9th)
Whalers are great letter writers, specialising in L's and R's. They love to make music but are almost all tone deaf. A lot of them are ambidextrous.
This week marks the beginning of a pretty good cycle for Whalers in which to engage in cycling. If it is winter where you live consider cycling indoors but be careful around the furniture!
Andrei Gromyko
(September 10th - November 21st)
Named after the former Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet, Grim Groms, as they are commonly known are punctual but they have a tendency to want to move missiles into Cuba.
This might be the best time for you to start a fitness regimen or learn to bake strudel. Or it may be an even better time to teach your cat French or ski down Annapurna (the Italian movie actress). Or it may be the best time to invent a really snazzy space age clock or something. Who knows?
The Unbelievable Genius
(November 22nd)
Fantastically magnificent, you stand astride the world like the Mighty Colossus. If there is something you can't do it has yet to be discovered.
Stay indoors this week as the tiny minds of the stupid people who stand in your way will irritate you and beset your genius. Also avoid dairies. Which shouldn't be difficult unless you have one in your apartment.
Zorro's Whip
(November 23rd - December 30th)
The very last of the New Zodiacal signs and probably the least. Whips tend to be inconsequential but hardy. They don't matter but they never cry about it. Their consolation is that they are much smarter than most of the rest of the signs. Although how this would console you I don't know.
It doesn't matter what you do this week as it won't turn out anyway so you might as well do whatever you want. This is also a good time for bloody coups or anything involving field mice or the number 11.
There is no zodiacal sign for people born on December 31st.