For Sale

One very long piece of string. Currently on display on the Highway between Fort Frances and Kenora. Begins around Emo. Box 30.

Sense of awe. Badly overused. Very worn around the edges. Thinning through the middle. Very cheap. $4. Box 276.

A fur hat that may have belonged to Dr. Zhivago. Oh, I am reliably informed that there was no real person called Dr. Zhivago. Perhaps I mean Johnny Zhivago. $17 OBO. Box 1983.

Hot Wheels! I wish I had some for sale. I don't. But what I do have is the cheaper version: Tepid Travellers. These are tiny metal mobile homes that run on a narrow plastic track. Sort of collectable. $4 ea. Box 129.

First Editions of Corbin's Illustrated History of Sans Serif Fonts and Ferderbar's great Canadian novel, Crumb Bum. 380$ and 14$ respectively. Box 222.

A wide variety of odds and ends. Including 3to1; 5to2; 10to1; the bit where Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out of the factory and Tiny Tim's blessing. Various prices. Box 135.

Huge collection of pencils. Over six million. Mostly HB, some 2H, one styptic. 2 cents per pencil. Box 33.

Rentals

I am willing to rent out my pet Airedale, Simon, as advertising space. He is completely smoothly shaved and he gets around a lot so he is more or less ideal for a banner ad. Box 387.

Cottage Cheese Ideal for the cottage. $45/week July-August; $30/week September. Box 3.

Fishing Boats. Ideal for fishing. Seats 40. Room for 160 to stand. $800/day. Box 1492.

Employment

NOW HIRING: Widow washers. If you can wield a rag and have no fear of hard work then we may have the job for you. At Sandy's Low-Tech Widow Washing Service we specialise in non-invasive styles of widow cleaning. We are in and out like a fiddler's elbows, doing the job before you can say Robert's your father's brother. Quick and efficient we make sure any and all widows are so clean you could eat off them. Join our team! Box 23.

New Restaurant seeks front of house staff. Must be familiar with Creole cuisine and Kabuki theatre. A working knowledge of Dutch and particle physics would be considered an asset. Box 112.

Paperboys If you are under 18 and made of paper give us a call. 555-PPRB.

Training

Famous Artist School if you can't even draw a crowd or a pair of deuces let us train you. we have been cranking out Famous Artists since 1957. Our correspondence classes are tailored to suit people who can't go to regular art school. No embarassing time in rooms with nude people. Just study in the privacy of your own, or someone else's home. Inquire at Box 1910.

Wanna learn a language? German is very popular (especially with the Germans). Uncle Rudy's German Institute of Southern Manitoba, located in Steinbach, is now accepting students. If you have a hankering to sprechen sie Deutsch why not join us. $500/semester.

Services

Humbutler Editorial Services For a small hourly fee ($23) we will whip sentences into shape WHILE you talk! One of our operatives will follow you throughout your day fixing your terrible sentences. Stop looking like an ass! Box 22.

Rodney's Measurements I'm Rodney and I will tell you precisely how big or heavy anything is! Box 28765.

Nomenclator Daily rates. Names whispered in your ear. 24/7. Box 753.

Housing

Pre-Fab Houses! All the rage in Japan! One easily assembled kit is all that stands between you and living in your dream home! Only tools necessary: one Phillips (the star) screwdriver and a Bessemer converter (mostly for show). Plans available. Box 13.

1 1/2 story home for sale. Located in a terrible neighbourhood that is overrun by Vandals and Ostrogoths. Expect pillaging almost daily. But a really nice deck. 145,000. Box 11.

Really, really, really nice house. Doors, windows, floors and stuff. There's a kind of yard with this green grass like covering and a sort of fence. Located in a city but not right in the centre. Sort of off to the left but not so far out that you need to transfer more than once. Less than a million dollars. Box 12.

Travel

All Inclusive 2 week vacation in Mexico. That's what I would like. Got one? Box 1836.

Tired of lugging heavy suitcases? New paper bag travelling system. Lightweight. Recyclable. Lovely shade of brown. 11 cents ea. Box 2965.

Owl sailing off to sea next week seeks travelling companion. Preference given to cats. Box 40.

Personal Ads

I like the ladies. Problem is I'm not all that keen on women. Are you demure and gracious, consistently deferential and never wish to discuss bodily functions or any other unpleasantnesses? If you are not put off by squeamish misogynists then contact me. Box 1.

Married woman seeks other married women with whom to mock single women. Box 409.

Small man seeks other small man with whom to inhabit a large trenchcoat. Box 77.

Left handed enthusiast seeks other left-handers for high-fiving action! Box 30.

Mouse seeks cat for game of cat and mouse. Box 9.

Public Service Announcements

Cancer can be beaten! It is now okay to rough up or knock down people born between the 21st of June and the 23rd of July. So go ahead and take a swing at one!

Animals are People Too If you believe this then join us for our weekly get togethers. We meet Thursday nights at 9 inside a small bag of jelly beans on Gore Vidal's porch.