persiflage

July 16th, 2009

Classifieds

For sale: 1 Venus Laurentian pencil crayon. #9 Deep Chrome Green. Slightly chewed. Dullish. 17 cents. Box 23.
I am willing to throw out your garbage but you have to throw out mine. Interested? Box 55.
Free Lunch! Available everyday at Mick's Free Lunch located... okay, there is no such thing as Mick's Free Lunch, sorry.

Listen to Part Fourteen of

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

Click on the picture. (3:21)

Or start from the beginning.

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Deal With It

New Fiction from Ford Johnson, Male Novelist

The guy was standing there taking up space. Sure I didn't need the space right now but he didn't know that. He was there with his pants and his shirt and his elbows all sticking out like: "Hey look at me, I can stick out my elbows!" Big deal buddy, I thought. Big hairy deal.

I stared right at him. He didn't even look at me. He didn't dare look at me. He knew. He knew I was looking at him. And his pants. Yeah, I had pants like that once. Then my dad got a job!

Smug S.O.B., elbows out, taking up space. He better not be there when I want to get off. He better not block that door. I'll go right through him. He won't slow me down a bit. Not for a second. Pencilneck.

If he's smart, soon as he sees me ring the bell he'll get the hell out of my way. Step way over. Tuck in those freaking elbows. I'm not going around him and I'm sure as hell not saying "Excuse me." Excuse him more like!

Still there. Still in my way. Only fourteen, no, fifteen more stops til mine. Better move buddy.

He's getting off. Just prancing off. Elbows still up like he's a plane taking off. He's stopping. He's looking back. Maybe he wants a piece of me? Oh, he's holding the door for that old lady.

He's lucky. I'm getting off in eight more stops. If he'd stayed there I'd have gone right through him. Just walk right through him. Hey buddy, deal with it!

F. Johnson

The Laws of Physical Attraction Are Mutable

If you look around at the people you know, or even the people you don't know, or possibly yourself (you'll need a mirror for that), and their (or your) romantic partners - past, current, future or imaginary, you will notice that there is no universal rule governing this kind of attraction.

One cannot predict to whom one will become attracted. You may have some idea of what it is that you "think" is attractive, e.g. long hair, tallness, a narrow waist, crossed eyes (if you are an Ancient Mayan) or large hindquarters (if you are Sir Mix-A-Lot) but it is fairly likely that you will, at some point in your life, be attracted to someone who possesses none of these traits. In fact, there is a fair to middling chance that you will become overwhelmingly attracted to someone whom you actively dislike.

The monotheistically inclined chalk this up to God's sense of humour. Polytheists attribute this sort of thing to one of a variety of "trickster" deities. The amateur psychoanalysts amongst us ascribe it to our unresolved oedipal issues or some such gobbledygook. And the rest of us are just left standing (or lying) there saying "WTF?"

My advice to you is this: do not worry your pretty (let's just assume) little heads about it. From time to time these things are going to happen. Take Chesterton's advice and pretend it is a great adventure when disturbing or inconvenient things happen. Fussing and moaning about it changes nothing.

It is best to learn to accept defeat at the hands of Eros, if not gracefully, at least quietly.

H.Briss