PERSIFLAGE

July 26, 2007

We are all convinced that a man can hold the audience spellbound, but will this spell work on chairs?
               - Jacob Bronowski

PERSIFLAGE is very often updated on Thursdays but sometimes it isn't. Learn to live with disappointment.

Classifieds

This Friday in the parking lot outside McNally Robinson Booksellers on Grant Avenue I will be signing books by pretty much anyone. I have never written a book or even a postcard but I can print my name very legibly.
Room for Lett: Latvian gentleman seeks accomodation. Box 33.
I am a fat man who enjoys nude sunbathing. Got a problem with that?
For sale: air conditioner. Rub into the air coming through your window and let sit for one minute. Air will be noticeably cooler. $45. Box 0.
Tired of sitting alone at home on Friday nights? My name is Stan and for a modest fee I will come over and sit with you. Just don't talk to me as I am quite nuts. Box 220.
For Sale:vacillating fan. Alternates between the Habs and the Leafs. $17 OBO. Box 6.

Tips for Summer Living:

Tip #6:  It's true! Hot beverages do make you feel cooler in summer. Pour a cup of tea on your bare legs and you will suddenly realize you weren't as hot as you thought you were.

Archives

Links

Why not send us some mail? We love mail.

Unscrewing the Screwed-Up Melon

Part Two of Stop Believing: A Guide to De-Programming

As we learned last week de-programming is all about taking a stupid idea and forcing it out of someone's head. This week I will explain exactly how this works.

Inside the brain ideas (stupid or otherwise) are stored inside little bins called "bins". These "bins" are stacked all around the brain wherever there is available space not taken up by memories or miscellaneous facts (such as the capital of Wyoming - Caspar). What makes stupid ideas difficult to drive from the human brain is that stupid idea "bins" tend to hide themselves under piles of irrelevant information: facts such as the phone numbers of exes, the name of your Grade Nine French teacher or the distance between Halifax, Nova Scotia and Burlington, Vermont. Often times the bins containing truly stupid ideas (like moving under the porch or joining the Young Liberals) will hide under terrible memories (like a junior high school dance or your first attempt at cutting your own hair) where the subject's own intellect is unwilling to venture. Here these dimwitted notions consider themselves safe. Wrong.

Brainiatrics, like many of the pseudo-sciences, has advanced tremendously in the last decade. Due to increased funding from federal grants and several online scams we have been able to make several significant steps forward in the quest to unscrew the screwed-up melon.

Whereas in the Nineties crazed little mental nuggets could take refuge in a pile of long supressed lousy remembrances of things past they no longer can. Using an advanced therapeutic technique known as "hectoring" in conjunction with a series of sharp blows to the forehead with the flat of the hand we are able to dislodge these ridiculous concepts from their hiding places and cause them to flow freely inside the brain. After that it is merely a question of turning the subjects head sidewise and pounding until they fall out of his or her ear. Nifty huh?

We can see that there is no longer a need for people to suffer from the terrible affliction of other people's stupid ideas. Now anyone can be rid of these worrying things. It only requires adequate medical insurance or a very large cheque. Another great step forward for medical science!

Harmon E. Katz,
Professor of Advanced Brainiatrics
Hollywood University

A Further Alarming Adventure of the Very Small Girl, Gilda Bonerz and the Bear Hernando (called Ludwig)

After their return from Ontario the girl Gilda and the Bear Hernando (whom she called Ludwig) settled into what might be called their routine: taunting the Badger Geoffrey in the mornings and trying on hats and making very tiny sailboats and percussion instruments in the afternoon. In the evenings they would rent popcorn and sand things. Things were rough.

Monday the Bear Hernando awoke and felt disinclined to taunt Geoffrey. He really had nothing against the badger and as well he could think of no new taunts. So he slipped silently (or at least very quietly) out of the house and went to a well known donut (or doughnut) shop for a coffee instead. But he never made it.

Gilda got up that Monday morning and knew immediately that something was wrong. She decided it was best to pretend that it wasn't. She made a fake Bear Hernando out of some old egg cartons and a shoe horn and went and taunted Geoffrey. He noticed nothing.

When Ludwig, as she called him, returned that evening wearing a solid gold hat Gilda said nothing but she rented pretzels that night as a special treat.

Anonymous