persiflage

July 9th, 2009

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Robert Benchley

Classifieds

For sale: time machine. Only travels to June of 1972 for some reason. $4 OBO. Box 1972 (surprisingly)
Lonely undersized beet poet with love of Corso, McClure and Kenny Dorham seeks other beets interesting in forming a borscht. Box 1957.
For rent: ice cream pail. Formerly used to contain ice cream. Daily and weekly rates. Box 8.
Will trade hair trigger temper for a sunny or cheery disposition. Box 19.
Still available celebrity look-a-like walnuts: Martin Short, Phil Esposito and Tony Roma (of rib fame). Reasonably priced. Box 80.

Listen to Part Thirteen of

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

Click on the picture. (3:39)

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persiflagemag@hotmail.com

Mister Science Explains Things

This week our own Mr. Science (who prefers to keep his first name a secret) explains a few things that have troubled our various readers for some time.

Sound travels more easily through a solid. This is why your neighbours sound so loud. All their "activities" vibrate through the floorboards or walls and assault your ears. In order to minimise this effect try drilling holes in your walls or ceiling thereby allowing the negative sound energy to dissipate freely through the natural air.

The old expression "A watched pot never boils" is not strictly true. It will eventually boil but because the eyes emit cool energy this can impede the boiling process making this enterprise seem interminable.

Sparrows are the most numerous birds on the planet. In an average day 200,000 sparrows are born and only 7 die. Therefore the sparrow population is growing by 199,993 each day.

The bus pass was originally developed by the Ancient Egyptians to faciliate frequent travel between Thebes and Memphis (not the one in Tennessee). This explains why they often feature an image of Horus, the God of Public Transportation.

Sunlight is an illusion. The actual sun (or Helios as it was known to the Greeks) does not shine directly on the Earth. It's rays are blocked by Jupiter which, although it is not between the sun and the Earth, is very large and pushy. What we percieve as sunlight is actually the reflection of Jupiter's extra stolen light bounced off Mars and, to a lesser extent, Uranus.

Before Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity everything was held to the earth by an elaborate system of natural magnets hidden inside rocks and things like that.

The common red squirrel is a direct descendant of Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Mr. Science

Disclaimer:
The advice of Mister Science is intended solely for the betterment of your life and the lives of others. This information is not to be used for entertainment purposes or to taunt animals, small or large.

The Dragon Who Swooped

Once upon a time there was a dragon who lived in a cave not far from a small village on the edge of a lake. The dragon's name was Cheryl.

Cheryl was a large dragon, over ninety stone in weight and sixty feet in length if, you included her tail. She could fly but she wasn't very fast. Some might have described her as overly cautious but she didn't think she was.

One day Cheryl was out flying when she spotted something strange in the field below. Slowly she circled downwards until she found a good place to land and gently hovered down making sure her tail was not clipping any trees behind her.

Once she was one the ground she walked over to where she thought she had seen the thing. But when she got there she saw nothing.

Cheryl chastised herself for not hurrying down when she had firsted espied the thing. She could have swooped. She had heard other dragons described as swooping. She had seen hawks swoop. She thought that maybe once she had seen a wren swoop. But swooping to her had always seemed a little dangerous. And maybe a little careless.

For the rest of the afternoon Cheryl was pretty hard on herself. She sat in her cave and wondered if she lacked spunk. Was she too timid? Was cautiousness something to be despised in a dragon? She didn't know.

The next day Cheryl decided to practice swooping. First of all she flew high, high up into the sky so there would be no danger of her crashing into anything or harming anyone. Then she started out slowly with a series of little gentle swoops.

When those went well she tried a few bigger ones. These she found quite exhilarating. Cheryl decided to do one big swoop. She fly up even higher and then she... dove!

Cheryl came swooping down out of the sky. Rocketing earthward with unbelievable speed, her great tail stretched straight out behind her. Then suddenly, below her in the open field, she could see that thing again. Cheryl decided to swoop right down to the ground and see what it was.

The mighty dragon hurtled earthwards until she was just below treetop level. She could see what it was now. It was a rabbit.

Cheryl slammed on the brakes but her great mass took a while to stop and as she reared back her mighty tail whipped round and the tip of it tore along the ground at great speed. The tip of it knocked the coffee cup right out of the rabbit's hand.

It was okay though, there wasn't much coffee left in it and according to the rabbit it was actually kind of cold.

Sally Kind