June 17th, 2010
There's nothing worse for a forest than to have all the trees be the same.
Ken Kesey
Classifieds
For sale: map of celebrity homes located in Smiths Falls, Ontario. $1 OBO. Box 287.
For rent: beautiful lakeside cottage cheese. Good with pineapple. Box 1.
Single girl with love of Nixon masks and spirited games of tag seeks same (I mean by that a single girl with a love of Nixon masks and spirited games of tag - sorry if that wasn't glear). Box 338.
Are you too gullible? Swiss scientists have recently discovered a cure for gullibility. It is a tiny plant that grows high in the Alps. When this plant is squeezed it produces an oil that can be poured into one's ear and completely removes gullibility. For a 3ml vial please send $400 cash to P.O. Box 32, West Bromley, Pennsylvania.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Sixty-One
Click on the picture. (4:17)
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Our email address is:
persiflagemag@hotmail.com
Just in case you were thinking about emailing us to say howdy. Or if you had answers for the quiz thingie.
Gerald the Buzzard
Once upon a time there was a buzzard named Gerald who lived in a sort of a daze, never quite sure what day of the week it was or what he was supposed to be doing.
He often seemed to just be going in circles, hovering over life if you will, never really setting down anywhere.
Then one day he found a dead rabbit and suddenly his life had a purpose.
Gerald and the dead rabbit went everywhere together. Movies, art openings, jam making demonstrations. Somehow just doing these things with someone gave Gerald a sense of meaning.
It was kind of sad if you thought about it but Gerald was happier and the dead rabbit didn't care so really, what did it matter?
S. Kind
For the second time ever:
The PERSIFLAGE INDEX
Last year in which Canadians believed wholeheartedly in the Easter Bunny (at least enough to take a quick glance around for eggs Easter Morning): 2002.
Number of the 274 professional accountants attending a national conference on rational budgeting who admitted that they liked "just blowing money on crap": 271.
Percentage of university students who admit to not being "very interested" in their classes: 2.5%
Percentage of university students who admit to being thoroughly bored by their classes: 92.5%
Percentage of university students who are easily impressed: 5%
Average number of times the expression "Unholy Alliance" was used to describe Don Cherry and Ron Maclean by that crazy drunk guy on the #16 bus Sunday afternoon: 13.
Number of black squirrels employed by the Canadian Military in the ill-advised Operation Night Nuts in CFB Petawawa last year: 723
Chance a squirrel bite will get infected: 99%
Chance that you will find a mouse carcass in your beer: 1 in 49.
Chance that you will find a live mouse wearing scuba gear in your beer: 1 in 37843. (some of you still have a chance!)
compiled by the PERSIFLAGE staff
PERSIFLAGE QUIZ
Every once in a while we like to check and make sure you've been paying attention. This week we present another Persiflage Quiz to test your general knowledge about, surprisingly enough, Persiflage. Submit your answers electronically to our email address for a chance to win some fairly ordinary prizes.
Hugh Briss
1) The very first Persiflage (on paper) mentioned a professional organisation. What was it?
2) Who is taller, Frank Speeking or Elrose Watermuldar?
3) One of Persiflage's employees owns a pith helmet. Which one?
4) Persiflage's original offices were located in what city park?
5) Persiflage has occasionally featured pieces written in another language. Name it.
6) What is the font that this question is written in? (For extra points give the html code for the background colour of this column).
7) If a train leaves the station travelling at 58 kilometres per hour and it speeds up 4 kilometres per hour every three minutes for the first twenty-one minutes it is travelling and then suddenly slows down to half its original speed then what is the point of this question? (show your work).
8) Windmills, what's up with them?
9) Do you think this quiz has gotten too silly?
9b) What makes you an expert?