PERSIFLAGE

THE ONLINE MAGAZINE FOR CLASSLESS SOPHISTICATES

March 15, 2007

To deny original sin would be a proof that one has never reared children.
-------------- E.M.Cioran

10 is the new zero.
-------------- Elrose Watermuldar

Tips for Winter Living:

Tip #22: Melting snow and ice can be a deadly combination. Pack them carefully together and hurl with great velocity for maximum effectiveness.

Classifieds

For Sale: VHS video of Homer's Batrachomyomachia (The Battle of the Frogs and Mice) produced by the CBC in the late sixties. It stars Louis Del Grande (from Seeing Things) as Cheek-Puffer and Robert Clothier (from the Beachcombers) as Crumbsnatcher. Low production values. $7. Box 756.
The Potato Marketing Board would like readers of PERSIFLAGE to know that potatoes DO NOT cause cancer, that Jeannie Joletter, while exhibiting always an impeccable sense of style, DOES NOT speak for the Potato Marketing Board. She used to work for us but ONLY as a spokesmodel. She was just supposed to point at the potatoes and smile. After she left here she hung on to some clipboards and stationery and buttons and stuff and so she thinks she can pass herself off as some kind of potato expert! Beautiful or not, she can't. Potatoes are good food!

Eight Steps to Complete Sanity

It's not really surprising but a lot of people who read PERSIFLAGE are concerned about their sanity. They're not as concerned about their own as they are everyone else's but they're still concerned. In order to help out our readers in their quest for improved sanity (which we don't actually recommend but what the hey you're all alllegedly adults) we provide the following programme for becoming really, really sane.

1) Stop watching TV immediately. A lot of people balk at this one or take it to mean that they should stop watching merely for the length of time it takes them to skim this article. Let's face it though, there is nothing to be gained by watching television and a whole lot to lose, marblewise. If you can't go cold turkey try eliminating any infotainment or news shows first, then reality or unscripted shows. The safest shows to watch are sitcoms produced before 1980.

2) Converse regularly with a pet. I know, I know, most people consider this a sign that you are joining the ranks of prospective macadamia ranchers but, in fact, this is a sign of sanity. The key is – listening. A lot of people rant at or fling baby talk at their pets. This is not what we mean. You should actually listen to your pet's responses. Look at Mackenzie King, arguably our sanest Prime Minister after Borden: he got very sound advice from Pat. That little Airedale helped transform Canada into a world power. No, seriously, we used to be one.

3) NEVER tuck your pants into your socks.We're not sure why but this is really a sign that you've lost it.

4) Read while you are seated on the toilet. Let's face it, sitting staring at the bathroom wall and grunting for five or ten minutes a day is not doing your mind any good. You really have two choices – you can concentrate on the task at hand (which is really not all that complicated and one would assume by the time you have reached adulthood you will have pretty much mastered its intricacies) or you can let your mind wander. The latter is VERY VERY BAD. Your mind will NEVER wander any place good or productive. That's just not the natural tendency of minds. Trust me, chances are you're going to end up wondering what kind of underwear Napoleon wore or how many blocks of cheese you could fit into the backseat of your Acura if you really had to. Does that sound sane to you? (Don't answer)
Now you can, of course, continue to read when you aren't on the toilet – we didn't say read ONLY when you are seated on the toilet.

5) Avoid the company of lemming repairmen. I know, I know you don't know a single lemming who is capable of reparing anything. I don't either, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about professionals dedicated to repairing lemmings (that English is a tricky language eh?). These people are quite sane of course but spending anytime around them is not good for your mental health.

6) Eat regularly. This may seem obvious but a lot of people don't know enough to set a metronome at mealtimes. The regular cadence of 4/4 time is ideal for any of your more popular entrees whereas 6/8 is recommended for soups and salads. Remember nothing looks crazier than someone eating a pie arhythmically.

7) Wear seasonally appropriate clothing.We've all seen the woman wearing the parka in 30 degree heat and the man in shorts in -5 and we've all thought to ourselves "What a nut job!". If you want to be sane, look sane and step number one is taking that toque off once spring hits.

8) Perform daily sanity affirmations. Every morning when you get up (or whenever) look yourself in the mirror (if you don't have a mirror, any shiny surface will do – a toaster or the side of your kettle- although I warn you the kettle's going to make you look pretty freaky) and say these words: "No matter what others say, no matter how much tittering and pointing goes on behind my back, no matter how many times I am strapped to a gurney or have to clean mayonnaise out of my pants, I am truly the sanest human being currently within my sight, although that's not saying much." And there you go!

This article was originally featured in PERSIFLAGE over three years ago but as we hadn't really noticed a dramatic increase in sanity of late we thought it advisable to run it again. --HB