THE PERSIFLAGE REPORT
An Irregular News Roundup
nothing here really
March 4th, 2010
The date that is also a command.
Classifieds
For sale: hilarious alternate lyrics to the song "Mairzy Doats". Quite bawdy! $4. Box 90.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Forty-Six
Click on the picture. (2:44)
Archives
Links
No Cause For Alarm
In an unscheduled press conference in Ottawa on Wednesday, the Federal Government (Canada) announced that there was absolutely no cause for alarm and that people should continue to go about their normal daily business with no alterations.
"Everything is under control" stated the Minister For Public Assurances, Robert Twinkle "and we have matters well in hand." Shortly after making this statement Mr. Twinkle was seen fleeing the building.
Arrests Made
Two people were arrested this week in connection with the closing ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics. No names were released but it is believed that they are the producer and the choreographer. RCMP are still seeking the art director and the person or persons responsible for greenlighting the production.
Charges may also be brought against people who applauded during the festivities.
Thought for the week:
Do peanuts in the shell constitute a meal?
More People Unhappy
It appears that more people than ever are unhappy. Some of this is due to the general increase in population, as there are just more people, happy, unhappy and everything in between but what is more significant is that a greater percentage of the population is unhappy.
In 1996 2.5% of the population was unhappy. In 2000 this figure dropped to 2.4% but in 2009, the last year for which figures are available, 98% of people were unhappy. This marks a substantial rise.
The main cause of this unhappiness is believed to be a statistical anomaly of some sort.
Geese Believed Behind Plane Crash
A spokesperson for the National Transportation Safety Board revealed today that the group of birds clustered 150 metres directly behind the crash site of a Cessna 172 belonging to Marvin Furgrander, a full time stevedore and part time aviator, just north of the small rural airport of Smithie, New Brunswick were, in fact, geese and not ducks as was first surmised.
Mr. Furgrander, who was recovering in hospital in nearby Bronchiola, was surprised.
Running May Be Good For Your Nose
A recent study conducted by the University of Heidelburg (Go Dueling Scars!) indicates that running may improve your nose's ability to smell.
Professor Giel von Friel stated that in a triple blind study she conducted over a two year period while waiting for a bus, that one group did not run at all and their noses smelled just like regular noses but a second group that ran for fourteen and three-quarter minutes every second Thursday and their noses smelled faintly of something like almonds. But nicer.
A word of caution though. Dr. von Friel revealed that the noses of a third group that ran for an hour every day just smelled sweaty.
New Arts Publication
March marks the debut of the new arts publication Talkin' Bout Art or TBA. TBA will be a biennial publication of 7 pages dedicated to covering everything of import in the world of art in a cheery upbeat way that will cater to simple minded tweens or those who would like to be.
Look for it on newstands and under bus seats!