Superfluous cute picture
May 3, 2007
Physical laws are not amusing.
- Fran Lebowitz
PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.
Classifieds
For Sale: Pet hamster (Male). Answers (sort of) to the name Cedric. Weighs over fourteen pounds (although he's sensitive about it so don't mention it if you do meet him. And don't say anything like "Wow" or "Oh Boy" either. There's nothing wrong with his hearing! $35OBO. Box 22.
I'm flying to the moon next week and I would like any advice I can get from any former astronauts out there about where to stay in the vicinity of the Sea of Tranquility (I aim to do some para-sailing!). Box 1969.
Tips for Spring Living:
Tip #5: Avoid riverbanks this time of year. They can be quite treacherous and fraught with peril. Red-winged blackbirds may be lurking there!
Care to lavish us with praise? persiflagemag@hotmail.com
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Even Newer and Even More Improved Zodiac
As we here at PERSIFLAGE believe that no one should be forced to go through life without some little series of tricks to give them a bit of an edge over the malevolent forces of the universe we are pleased to present, yet again, a horoscope in order to help buttress the psychic defences of our audience.
We hope that you will take this incredibly seriously and use it to make all your important decisions this week. Next week we couldn't care less.HB
The Muffin Top
(January 1st) The most exclusive of the New Zodiacal signs as it applies only to New Year's Babies. Muffin Tops tend to be the opposite of stoic, unrestrained Scrabble players and haughty in their dealings with barristas (not a Mexican lawyer).
Don't purchase any croissants this week despite their deliciousness and ready availability. Keep away from taxicabs and sports equipment. This is a good week for maligning relatives.
The Spindly Tree
(January 2nd-March 3rd) Spindly Trees tend to be loquacious but laconic. They are quick to anger and even quicker to the dinner table. They love a bargain and they love freedom despite it's being just a word for nothing left to lose.
You will find love this week but it will be someone else's and you'll have to hand it over.
Guy Holding Onto A Pail of Honey
(March 4th-April 16th) Honeymen love to be right even when they aren't. They are devoted birders and will often make ceramic ashtrays for people who don't smoke.
Lock your car doors this week. If you don't own a car lock someone else's.
The Very Sharp Pencil
(April 17th-May 2nd) Pencils have a good sense of humour except when it comes to laughing at themselves but they are quick to laugh at other people including Sinbad (not the sailor).
Keep away from people's eyes this week. Now is a good time for making lists or connecting dots. Don't put off getting sharpened.
The Dialtone
(May 3rd-May 9th) Happy Birthday! Try and stay out of trouble for God's sake!
The Tarsier
(May 9th-June 30th) Known for their ability to carry a tune or any kind of sack or bag, tarsiers are friendly without being creepy.
This might be a good week for starting a job. Then again it might not.
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Two Rabbits in A Bag or the Sack of Hares
(July 1st-July 22nd) Folks born under this sign tend to be the kind of people who shop online and eat dried fruit. They are handy with numbers but not so you'd notice. The men often grow goatees.
You will feel like a winner this week. Try to remember that you are not.
Gore Vidal
(July 23rd-August 23rd) Named after the American novelist and essayist people in this group share many of Mr. Vidal's fine qualities. They are tall and often live in Italy despite not being born there. They have a marked tendency hold things in their left hands and to pretend to whistle.
You should avoid placing anything on top of anything else this week. If possible only walk backwards after 7pm and throw out any dishes that have a letter L anywhere on them. Also don't look at anything on top of a tree or bush without protective eyewear (that's you wearing the protective eyewear obviously).
The Xylophone Player
(August 24th-September 19th) Strangely people born during this period tend to be really bad with mallets.
A good week for travel but a bad week for trains, planes, automobiles or buses. A sled or camel would be okay. Walking's probably best though.
The Potato
(September 19th-November 21st) Potatoes are incredibly observant and it often seems like they have eyes in the back of their heads. Little escapes them except the dates of their friends' birthdays and very swiftly moving mice or voles.
If you are a potato stay out of the sun this week. You don't want to get baked! (Tried but couldn't resist).
The Tiniest of Tiny Pebbles
(November 22nd-December 30th) TTPs love to socialise, especially medicine. They are strongly in favour of unions but always vote conservatively for some unexplained reason. A walking mass of contradictions that's what they are.
Exercise caution when opening tins or jars this week because there may be snakes (not real ones) in them. Get rid of all your friends. They're dragging you down.
There is no zodiacal sign for people born on December 31st.
Lorgan Torbold, the Reluctant Space Pirate
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