PERSIFLAGE

May 17, 2007

There's little evidence that writers and artists are made more productive or creative by the prospect of earning profits for seventy years after they die.
              - James Surowiecki

PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.

Classifieds

For sale: half a bag of salted peanuts previously owned by Sam Walton. $300 or best offer. Box 33.

I recently completed my memoir of the time I spent in the Bay Downtown looking for pants. It is tentatively entitled - Where are the 34's?: A Search For Pants, the Rod Sanborn Story. If you are interested in publishing it let me know. Box 233.

Tips for Spring Living:

Tip #6:  When gamboling remember to wear shoes with adequate arch support. Actually this applies to gambling as well.

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Interesting Facts Revealed

It was revealed today in a news conference that I happened to be walking by, that butter is not the healthy food I thought it was. It turns out that eating large amounts of butter (I would guess they mean a pound or two) every day can have a deleterious (bad) effect on your cardiovascular (heart and such) health.
Apparently it is also a bad idea to consume a bunch of salt, for more or less the same reason, or something called a trans-fat (?). Something was also said about exercising but I kind of missed it because the guy next to me was talking really loudly on his cell phone. I assume that it too is bad for you.
Who knew? (PNS)

The End of An Era

Diane Furburney announced today that she will no longer be breaking up with her boyfriend Tad Garph on a regular basis. The two erstwhile lovers have decided that the constant fighting and breaking up, the bitter recrimination and general bad feeling were no longer worth the effort.
"It's taken a toll on both of us." Ms. Furburney, a rather plain looking blonde, stated: "Our friends, even those idiots Tad hangs around with, have told us both that they're sick of hearing about it. And my parents won't let me stay there during our breakups anymore."
Mr. Garph, a tall, rather dull witted sort nodded his assent.
Furburney and Garph will be married in a civil ceremony on June 16th. (PNS)

Solution to Youth Gang Problem?

Professor Harold Hill of Gary, Indiana met with Winnipeg City Council last week to present his proposed solution to the youth gang problem in the city.
Professor Hill, a compelling public speaker, suggested that the essence of the problem of inner city gangs was the idleness and a lack of focus common amongst youths dwelling in the city.
In a stirring speech Hill attempted to convince Council that the solution to this problem could be found in the creation of a Boys' Band, complete with uniforms.
City Council will announce its decision early next week. (PNS)

Brain Less Complex

Scientists, or possibly just some guys claiming to be scientists, revealed today that the Human Brain (not sure why we capitalised that) is a lot less complicated than was previously believed.
What was supposed to be an elaborate working network of synapses and neurons and little electrified thingies appears to have been just for show.
Brainiologists working out of the Bay basement now claim to have isolated the actual working parts of the Human Brain (might as well be consistent). There are two.
There is the thinking part of the brain, called the Thinkatorium, and the remembering part of the brain, called Reggie after the guy who remembered to look for it.
That's it. Just the two parts. Which ought to simplify brain surgery a great deal and shorten the time Brain Doctors spend in school. Now they will have more time to spend skateboarding and doing Sudoku and whatever else Brain Doctors do when they're not brain- doctoring. (PNS)

HUB's CORNER

When I was a kid growing up in Elmwood we played a game we used to call T-Boning.
It was pretty simple. You'd ride your bike as fast as you could into the side of Jimmy Sedleski's garage. In order to win you had to knock yourself out completely.
Now my kids play a game that should be called "sit on the couch and stare at a screen while wiggling your fingers on a hunk of plastic".
T-Boning was good exercise and the only cost involved was your bike and a bunch of tires and rims. Anybody could afford it. And bikes were a lot easier to steal in those days too.
Now everything costs money. I don't even want to think about how much I paid for that frigging X-Box! Just for the privilege of watching my kids get fatter!
We got tougher by T-Boning. A lot of the guys I grew up with had broken their nose two or three times by the time their voices changed and some had permanent wrist damage from another game we called Jousting.
In that one basically you held a metal garbage can lid by the handle like a shield while another guy hit it over and over again as hard as he could with a hockey stick. Stuff like that makes you stronger and better able to handle life's disappointments.
I've been fired from my last two jobs for fighting and wrote off my truck last week for the third time. Think I could handle that kind of thing if I hadn't been toughened up by Jousting and T-Boning?
What's this generation going to do when things get tough? Look for cheats on the internet?
         Dwayne Hubniak