October 1st, 2009
Somehow it didn't take - this initiation into the nihil of belonging. Maybe I was just too weird to begin with.
Sylvia Plath
Classifieds
For sale: doorstops. Many sizes and finishes available. Order online. Free home delivery with purchase over 100$. Check out our website: Larry's Doorstop World of Muncie, Indiana.
Nobody to hang out with and just shoot the sh*t? Looking for pals or buddies to engage in various forms of low brow and scatological humour, back- slapping uproariousness and the occasional sack- tapping? Join us. We're the CHUM Network.
For rent: croutons. Ideal for salads that you have no intention of eating. 300g bag is only $4/day. Box 19876.
Book your winter holidays now! I am not a travel agent but I am a guy with a phone and a lot of time on his hands. For a small fee I will contact travel agents on your behalf. Box 34.
For sale: one hockey helmet with a rainbow coloured afro wig glued on the outside. Ideal for a stylish iconoclast who falls down alot. $7. Box 78.
Will trade my entire collection of pens with ineffective ink eraser ends for any large sized tuber resembling a Canadian historical figure (especially in the fields of science or medicine). Box 2.
Wonder why no one likes you? Visit www.faultfinder.com to find out what the problem is.
Listen to Part Twenty-Five of
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Click on the picture. (3:43)
Or start from the beginning.
Inquire about our discounts:
persiflagemag@hotmail.com
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The Undercover Poet
He was a poet but nobody knew it. He wore a hat, and he had a job, and he brought home the bacon so that no one knew.
On the bus, on the way to work, he sat, with his lunch in a bag in his lap. There was no way to know.
He bought his groceries in a grocery store. He bought his shoes in a shoe store. He bought his pants in a Walmart.
Once in the Bay, he tried on a beret but, he never owned one.
M. Issing
Memories
of
Feathers McGraw
after Lowell
We present here, for your perusal, a poem by the noted Belgian detective, Egmont Le Manchot. M. Le Manchot is not noted for his poetry. This selection may indicate why.
Only working the lunch rush,
afternoons spent lounging
in pajamas
I hog the whole house now
the walrus gone.
Picking through the postcards
with their endless white expanses,
prostrate on the overstuffed couch
a spilled bag of Doritos
at my feet.
I am thirteen
in my "twilight years".
Ought I to regret my egg time?
I was once a great gulping diver
firing beneath the surface
sliding along the glass
to the 'ohhs' of field tripping kiddies.
Dumped in the tank,
having flipped the bird
to scientific fishermen,
I swam with the aquarium bred
and the unfortunately netted
Paddling on slow days
I yammered metaphysics with Abramowitz,
a crested Emperor,
with his orange "It's really yellow"
Al Lewis haircut. So vegetarian
he shunned krill and tried to befriend
the sea lions. They beat him black and white.
He pointed out to me
the T shirted back of
Feathers McGraw,
piling towels on the rack
before dawdling back to his rock
covered in things
forbidden the common penguin:
a portable radio, a dresser
an Argentine flag tied to a
Union Jack.
Flabby, bald, lobotomized
he drifted in a sheepish calm
where no agonizing reappraisal
jarred his concentration
on the strange dog's collar
lying on the rock
like an oasis in his air
of lost connections.
Egmont le Manchot
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DEAR PERSIFLAGE
Dear Persiflage,
I am intent on doing evil in the world and I am a big admirer of your website. I am thinking of starting my own. Any tips?
Sincerely,
Lou Safer
Dear Mr. Safer,
Thank you for your interest in our website. Our advice to you would be to start a blog. There are some very user-friendly blogging softwares available and that way you won't have to write any code. Your evil thoughts and schemes could just be uploaded to your blog each day with little fuss. Good luck!
Sincerely,
HB
Dearest Persiflage,
It seems like only yesterday (it was the day before) that I first glimpsed you on the screen of a co-worker in the place of business where I work. You were wearing a lovely blue background (which set off your i's nicely) and you were saying something cute about conformity. Since then I haven't been able to get you out of my mind (even with the ECT). Wanna canoodle?
Lovingly,
Smitten Kitten
Dear Smote Cat,
We think we should just be mere acquaintances (if that).
Sincerely,
HB
Dear Persiflage,
I am a very important man with no time to waste writing letters to websites.
Sincerely,
B. Wigg
Dear Mr. Wigg,
We completely understand your not wanting to initiate a correspondence with us. Writing letters, or even emails, can seriously impinge on a person's time and prevent them from getting important work done.
Even as I write this there is a largish fire burning on my desk that I should really be doing something about. It seems to have started in my oily rag collection and has now spread to the stack of Glamour magazines I was hoping to flip through this afternoon. The heat is getting pretty intense and I think if I hadn't disabled the sprinkler system in my office I would now be quite moist.
But I feel that I should respond to your generous email in a timely fashion and so it will have to just burn itself out. Oh, it seems to have caught my sleeve. This isn't good. I must go.
Sincerely,
HB
Dearest Persiflage,
I am writing to you to raise an alarm. I believe that automatically flushing toilets and electronically opening doors are sapping the initiative of our youth. This thought occurred to me as I was standing outside Safeway the other day waiting for the door to open. Suddenly I realized that it was after 11 o'clock at night and the store was closed.
Very Sincerely,
Al Libaba
Dear Mr. Libaba,
We heartily agree and would add spell cheque to the list.
Sincerely,
HB
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