October 30th, 2008
Is there a man more morbid than the contented churl who tells you that he is so complete that he does not even need you. But halved though I am, I shall require every one of you, now and after my demise, who needs me. No other certitude have I.
Edward Dahlberg
If you don't like my book go and read another.
Robert Burton
PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.
Classifieds
For rent: a business card with a funny name on it. A little dog-eared but still quite hilarious. Reply to Box 3378 if you want to know what the name is.
This Halloween why not break out from the crowd with a really unusual costume? At Larry's House of Unusual Costumes we have some really bizarre sh*t. We have nurse and nun costumes, prisoner outfits (complete with ankle ball), Frankenstein AND Dracula, a kitty (with a grease pencil for whiskers included!) and even Nixon masks! You won't believe our stock!
For sale: a narrow selection of top quality dungarees for people who still use the word dungarees. Box 1970.
Looking for an exciting and well-paid career in the Entertainment Industry? Best of luck to you.
For sale: a subscription to the National Review. It is delivered to my house and I don't want it. If you pay me I will walk it over to your place when it arrives. I promise not to read it first. Box 11.
Brain bugging you? Concerned about your mental stability? Why not visit: Perfectly Normal the website for folks like you?
Will trade any photographs you may have for pencil drawings of the same subject. I like pictures. Box 220.
Don't forget that November 2nd marks the end of Daylight Savings Time. Make sure to through out all your clocks and electronic devices and buy new ones with the correct time.
Comments? Questions? Vitriol? Flattery? persiflagemag@hotmail.com
Not on our mailing list? Does this sadden you? Send a message to our email address with "Add me to your (our, actually - wouldn't make much sense for you to be added to your own mailing list would it? Even if we could do it. Presumably you already know where to get a hold of yourself. Hmmm, not a good sentence.) mailing list" in the subject line. One of our hapless interns will act on it.
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The Nation's Capital:
A Persiflage Primer
If you should choose to visit our Nation's Capital (that would be Ottawa for the geographically and historically impaired)there are some things you should know before you go (which rhymes).
First off, your regular Canadian currency will work here. Just not as well as in, say, Yorkton or Brandon. Canadian Tire money is also good but can only be used in Canadian Tire.
The weather in Ottawa is much like it is in Montreal or even Toronto so if you are familiar with the weather in those cities you will know what to expect in Ottawa. If you are not familiar with those cities then I can't help you.
The citizens of Ottawa are a mixed bunch and a number of them seem to speak another language. It sounds a lot like the French I learned in high school but with all the words run together into one big word. I tried speaking my high school French to these people and they all immediately started speaking English, so I'm assuming it's not French that they speak. Also my standard introduction in French: Je n'ai mange pas le marionette was met with blank stares.
There are several sites that you should absolutely check out if you go. They are, in no particular order, the House of Commons, the Canal, the National Gallery, the National Library, the Hull (which is technically not in Ottawa) and the Experimental Farm.
1) The House of Commons: These impressive buildings which house some sort of debating club were constructed very recently. The workmen were just putting the finishing touches on the place when I was there. According to the guy standing next to me in the street they are made entirely of gingerbread.
2) The Canal: I was unable to ascertain if this is the Suez or the Panama canal but it is nice all the same. Especially if you like water (or "low" as the locals say.)
3) The National Gallery: This massive edifice is easy to spot as there is a giant spider out front. Not to worry as she is quite docile. Inside the building there is a lot of art and some great views out the really big windows. For the chronically confused there are guided tours. I would advise you to take one of these. Some of the art is quite scarey and the docents will hold your hand and speak comfortingly if you get frightened.
4) The National Library: You will need a library card to get in here and even with it you will not be able to roam around pulling random books off the shelves. And don't even try causing trouble here. It is guarded by an elite group of First World War veterans.
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5) The Hull: You must cross a bridge to get to The Hull. You will know you are there when you notice that things are a bit dingier than they were earlier. The coffee here is very good as are the snacks. Stay out of the very large buildings as they are filled with cranky people. It is possible that smoking is mandatory in the Hull.
6) The Experimental Farm: This is pretty much what the name implies. It is a large farm area smack dab in the city. If you go make sure to take a burlap sack as visitors are encouraged to help themselves to wheat.
Well, that about covers the hot spots of Ottawa. I'm sure there are other sites of interest in the city but I have no idea what they would be.
G. Trumpfel
The Pre-Emptive Bouncer
It was a Wednesday when he thought of it. He was sitting in his apartment doing a set of one-armed dumbbell curls when it, more or less suddenly, occurred to him.
Lenny, or The Big Peanut as he was sometimes known, was the bouncer or "doorman" at a club downtown. Five nights a week he was responsible for the behaviour of a group of unruly drunks and he was finding it wearing.
It was not so much the "rough stuff" which, truth be told, Lenny kind of enjoyed, it was the constant vigilance. Sitting or standing by the door and endlessly surveying the room for the least sign of trouble - this was what he found so tiring. He felt like he could not let his guard down for a moment. He was often exhausted when he fell into bed.
Then, that Wednesday doing curls, a plan came to him almost fully formed. He would nip problems in the bud so to speak. He would catch potential hooligans and troublemakers not as they were starting something, not at the door, not even out on the street before they came into the bar but in their homes.
The Big Peanut figured that if he went diligently door to door throughout the city everyday beating people up, he wouldn't have to be nervous all the time at work. With the troublemakers taken care of he could concentrate on enjoying his time seated at the door.
Sure, he'd probably beat up some people who never caused trouble and some people who never came to his bar and even some people who never went to any bar but he figured you couldn't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Or in this case, several dozen.
So that is what he did.
Elrose Watermuldar
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