PERSIFLAGE:

September 4th, 2008

I love such mirth as does not make friends ashamed to look upon one another next morning.

Isaak Walton

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

For Sale: one mint condition copy of Atlas Shrugged. Previously used only to convince a woman I was dating that I was a smug self-satisfied ass. I would recommend it for this purpose ONLY. Box 23.
For Rent: a reasonable facsimile of the Crown Jewels of England. Made entirely out of caraway seeds. Ideal for parties. Must be kept away from birds. $4/day. Box 389.
Next Tuesday marks the third anniversary of what I believe to be the day I lost interest in reading about celebrity romances. If you too have lost interest in this sort of thing why not join me for a celebratory dinner in Assiniboine Park. I will be crouching next to the Pavilion clutching a sandwich from 7PM on.

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persiflagemag@hotmail.com

A Very Revealing Diary

and so it begins…

august 4th to 10th/2008

sharpened all my pencils this week - literally and metaphorically; hope something good will come of it
tried on several hats in the Bay Downtown - asked to leave because of the hysterical giggling - very immature staff
lobbied to have August renamed Otho after my favorite emperor; nothing came of it as what I thought was my MLA turned out to be a mailbox

august 11th to 17th

taught my cat to whistle; understands the theory now I think - next week: the practical
seven loads of laundry this week - should stop eating with my hands
the new job started this week - wonder how it went?
phone rang a lot on Monday and then again Tuesday but when I picked it up on Friday there was no one there - very strange

august 18th to 24th

swam in what I took to be a lake on Sunday - a lot of people yelling at me - can't see the appeal frankly
charges dropped
quite the party Friday night - one of my stuffed rabbits got really drunk and bit my bum - healing nicely by Sunday but bum still sore - he'll get over it
discovered a new element on my stove - wrote letter to Nobel Committee

the last week of august

Meant to buy school supplies but actually bought a bag of walnuts in the shell instead
sold walnuts on EBay
craved walnuts all week
sanded the top of my new dresser - he quit that day and I had to put on my own pants
very very tired

anonymous
(for obvious reasons)

Princess Betty

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived in a small castle near the coast. From her window Betty could see the ships as they sailed away to foreign lands and she often thought to herself how lucrative the maritime insurance business must be.

Betty was the oldest of three sisters and by far the brightest. Her two younger sisters could not have read an actuarial table even if their lives had depended on it. They were much more interested in playing water polo with the local boys and shopping online for novelty hats. Betty thought them frivolous.

One day, as Betty was out walking along the shoreline, she espied a small sea trout that had somehow managed to strand himself on the beach. He was flopping and flipping and trying to get back in the water but the little wheels of his drag along suitcase were clogged with wet sand and therefore no longer really functioning much like wheels. Betty, who had nothing better to do, sauntered over and asked if she could be of some assistance.

"Well duh" said the sea trout, none too graciously. Betty picked up the suitcase and flung it with all her might into the sea. Kenneth, the sea trout's name was Kenneth, thanked her and now that he was unburdened by his luggage, he easily wiggled his way back to the water's edge.

It appeared that was to be the end of her interaction with the stranded piscean adventurer but just as Kenneth was about to dive back into the surf he suddenly turned and said to her:

"Say, you don't know where a fish could buy life insurance do you?"

And that was the absolute very beginning of how Princess Betty's maritime insurance business began.

The End

C.F. Maynard